Dating: A Modern Practice or God's Design?

Walk into almost any church today, whether in Ndola, in New York, or in Lagos and you will hear people, especially the younger generation say things like, “We are dating prayerfully,” or, “He is a Christian, so the relationship is fine.”

Many young believers today think and treat dating as simply the normal, even spiritual, way to prepare for marriage, without asking a deeper question: What does Scripture actually require of us in how we pursue marriage, whatever we choose to call the process?

This is not an attack on Christians who are dating, and it is not a call to copy one cultural tradition, past or present, as though it were perfect. The Bible does not hand us a single approved system and process for finding a spouse or getting married, it does not endorse modern dating, nor traditional courtship, nor any other named process.

What it gives us instead is something more lasting: clear principles of holiness, honesty, mutual honour, wise community counsel, and marriage-directed seriousness, by which every relationship practice should be tested.

So real question is not “should people embraces modern dating or traditional courtship”. It is: does this relationship help two people honour Christ, protect one another, seek wise counsel, and move truthfully towards marriage?

Defining Modern Dating

Modern dating is how people meet, grow close, and form romantic ties today. It commonly let two people become emotionally close, and sometimes physically close, before there is any real commitment, through spending private time together, growing attached, and often acting like husband and wife long before marriage exists.

This is different from the kind of relationship being described here. Whatever name it is given, it is intentional, accountable to trusted people, and genuinely aimed towards marriage. The concern of this article is not every relationship called “dating” cause their God-honoring and accountable relationship that are referred to as dating, but the we are address first pattern: casual closeness without accountability, clear direction, or a serious purpose.

Dating, as we know it, did not originate in the Bible. It grew out of Western society over the last hundred years or so, shaped by city life, ideas of people having personal freedom, and eventually a culture that placed pleasure above commitment that seeks to test before it can even commit. Before that, in most cultures including here in Africa — marriage typically involved the family: parents were part of the process, elders gave guidance, and the community had a voice. It isn’t a perfect setup, it has it own flaws which I will discuss later.

What Does the Bible Describe?

When we look at Scripture, we see relationships that moved with purpose, for examples:

In Genesis 24, Abraham sends his servant to find a wife for Isaac, and the bible describes the process which is marked by prayer, family involvement and consent, and clear intention from the start.

Jacob's fourteen years of labour for Rachel shows love expressed through sacrifice and patient commitment (Genesis 29).

Boaz pursues Ruth through open, proper channels involving the whole godly community (Ruth 4).

Joseph and Mary are described as “betrothed” — a real, binding commitment that came before their closeness deepened, not after (Matthew 1:18–19).

None of these are identical processes or prescriptive, and Scripture does not ask us to reproduce any one of them exactly. But together they show a consistent pattern: relationships moving with honesty, accountability, and purpose, rather than drifting without direction.

Alongside this pattern, Scripture gives us commands that hold regardless of what we call our relationship structure. Paul writes plainly,

What Christianising Dating Does Not Fix

Many churches have taken the dating model from the world, added Bible verses and prayer, and called it “Christian dating” assuming this makes the practice safe. But adding Christian language to a worldly framework does not, on its own, make that framework biblical. What we need is not to add the word “Christian” to dating for it to be safe, we need to apply biblical principles of holiness, honesty, accountability and intentionality to our as we pursue our relationships regardless of what we call them.

Dangers Worth Naming

An honest look at relationships without commitment or accountability surfaces three patterns worth understanding.

Firstly, repeated emotional closeness without covenant can teach the heart a painful cycle. Modern dating often creates emotional damage before any covenant exists. Sharing your heart with someone again and again, only to break up, teaches your heart a pattern of getting close and then losing that closeness before marriage has even started. That is the opposite of what covenant is supposed to give us: safety.

Secondly, dating makes it easier to fall into sexual sin. Most couples often starts dating with good intentions but later do not manage to stay pure through years of private, romantic closeness. It usually does not happen all at once but boundaries slip little by little. Paul's instruction is: “Put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires” (Romans 13:14, ESV). In other words Paul is saying, do not set yourself up for temptation. Its a call to avoid the environments that can lead us to sin, not merely to resist it once it has already taken hold.

Finally, dating can quietly teach us to treat people like products instead of people to commit to. We start asking, “Does this person meet my standard? Could I find someone better?” instead of asking how we can love and serve them. This is the opposite of real love, which the Bible describes as patient, kind, and not self-seeking (1 Corinthians 13:4-5. Our bodies are described as “a temple of the Holy Spirit within you... you were bought with a price” (1 Corinthians 6:19–20, ESV) not something to test out casually before deciding.

The Negative Impact of Modern Dating

Studies looking at teenage pregnancy across several sub-Saharan African countries, specifically Zambia, have found troublingly high rates in some communities, a 2023 study in the journal Reproductive Health documented rates as high as 29 percent nationally, and considerably higher in some districts.² This is not only a concern outside the church; it affects Christian families and communities too. None of this means every young person who has dated and who is dating, or every relationship that did not end in marriage, is a story of failure but the pattern is common enough, and costly enough, that churches owe young believers clear, biblical guidance rather than silence.

Family, Community, and Safeguarding

It is worth being honest about our own context here. In many African communities, family and elder involvement in choosing a spouse has real wisdom to offer, it can provide protection, counsel, and accountability that two people alone cannot give each other. But we should be careful not to romanticise every traditional practice either. Family involvement has sometimes meant pressure, unreasonable financial demands, unequal treatment of women, or decisions forced on adult children without their genuine consent.

A relationship practice is not automatically godly simply because it is old, any more than it is automatically wrong simply because it is modern. What matters is whether both people are treated with equal dignity, whether consent is real and free, and whether there is someone safe to turn to for counsel whether that is family, church elders, or another trusted community, especially when a person's own family is absent, unsafe, or spiritually unhelpful. A young woman, in particular, should never feel that her voice matters less than her family's preference, or that she must accept a match she has not freely agreed to.

The Objection

Someone might reasonably ask: “But don't we need some way to get to know a person before marrying them? Are you saying we should marry strangers?”

The answer is not to marry someone you do not know. The answer is to change how that knowledge is gained. Scripture points us toward observed character, observing how a person treats their family, how they live day to day, what kind of reputation they carry rather than hours of private conversations and activities designed to build closeness quickly. Getting to know someone and forming a private romantic bond with them are two different things, even though modern dating culture has taught us to treat them as the same.

What Shall We Do Then?

A wiser, more accountable path does not require a strict formula, Scripture gives principles, not a programme but a few commitments are worth holding onto, whatever we call the relationship.

Prepare your heart before you go looking for love. Wanting to get married is not a sign to jump in, it is a sign to grow and prepare. Ask yourself honestly if you are ready, spiritually and practically, to keep a promise like marriage. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22, ESV) describes someone who was prepared, not someone testing their way through options.

Bring your family and community into the process early. In many African cultures, family and elders are already involved in choosing a spouse and that instinct, guided by Scripture, is wiser than we sometimes give it credit for. Talk to a woman`s family at the start of your interest in her, not after your hearts are already tangled together.

Be honest about your intentions from the beginning. Do not enter a relationship just to “see where it goes.” If you are interested in someone, be able to explain clearly why, and whether marriage is truly your goal.

Guard purity deliberately. “This is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honour” (1 Thessalonians 4:3–4, ESV). Set boundaries before temptation arrives, not after.

Choose character over chemistry. Attraction fades, but godly character keeps a marriage strong. “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30, ESV).

Let pastors and church leaders walk with you through the process. Marriage affects the whole church family, not just two people, and leaders involved early can offer wisdom and protection that private relationships often miss.

Conclusion

Modern dating is not a biblical institution — it comes from changes such as industrialisation, individualism, and changing Western culture over the last century, one the church often taken without asking having scriptural examination. Whatever we call the process, dating, courtship, or something else, the true measure is not the label but the fruit: are both people honoured as equals made in God's image? Is consent real and free? Is the relationship accountable to wise, trustworthy people? Is purity guarded deliberately rather than left to willpower alone? And is the relationship honestly moving towards marriage, or honestly moving apart, rather than drifting indefinitely in between?

God's design for relationships has always rested on truthfulness, mutual honour, wise community, and holiness not on any single cultural method, whether old or new.

Held to that standard, God's ways are not a cage that limits us. They are a garden that protects us and helps us grow.